Letting Go

Well! Apparently I learned something from that Leadership Conference after all. Instead of blogging (and expending too much energy volunteering) all year, I focused instead on teaching, studying, and relaxing just as I learned I ought to do.

In 2012 I traveled to three large cities - Washington D.C., where I'd been once before when I was 17, and to Chicago and New York, where I was a first-time visitor. I traveled to D.C. for the HRC Leadership Conference, to Chicago for The Raiser's Edge Development Training for my new job at Make-A-Wish, and to New York to relax and share time with our niece as she celebrated her first birthday.

Also in 2012, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on exactly what it is that I am looking forward to in my future, about exactly what it is that drives me, and what I am working for. I've thought a lot about why I do the work I do, as I mentioned in my last blog in February, as well as why I don't do what I believe I should!

Perhaps I am philosophizing a bit much here, but I believe that quite simply, fear is the answer to what keeps us all from doing what we believe we should. And now getting even deeper into philosophy and linguistics, I'll point out a significant difference in language determining how French speakers and American speakers relate to this word, "fear." In French, one has fear, whereas in American English, one is afraid or one fears . . . making this an adjective (describing oneself) or a verb (an action one makes) in English. It's almost as if Americans are linguistically pre-determined to feel their fear s a part of themselves, or something they actively do to other things . . . I fear that bear! Versus the French, having fear of a bear. It's such a slight difference, and yet, which is more honest to your relationship with things you fear? Are they distanced from you, and you have fear of the dark, or are they closer and more intertwined in your being, and you are afraid of spiders?

I think that I have felt closer to my fears in the past - more convinced that they are a part of who I am. As in, I am afraid that I may never have children of my own. I am afraid that I may not be qualified for full-time work with health benefits. But, I am working on owning my fears instead, like the French . . . if I say that I have a fear of not bearing children of my own, it sort of seems like I can work with that. I can choose not to have that fear, like I can choose not to have meat in my diet. I can choose not to have a fear of not qualifying for full-time work with health benefits, and instead of "being afraid," and feeling that a part of my self and sense of identity, I can choose instead to have full-time work with health benefits! There are actions I can take to not have meat in my diet (learning more about vegetarianism, planning my meals so I have the myriad nutrients my body needs, taking B12 vitamins, etc.) and likewise, as I've learned this year, there are specific actions I can take to let go of my fears.

Spending more and more time with my younger siblings, nieces, and nephews lessens my fear that I may never have children of my own, because I know that I could spend a fulfilled and happy life caring for all the many children around me, even if I am unable to carry children of my own. And lessening the time I volunteer for projects and causes and organizations that actually take away from the time I could be spending developing my career has been a difficult balance to strike, but an increasingly beneficial one. I feel directly pulled away from those fears I've been having, because I see a clear path forward - a path of submitting applications, resumes, and cover letters when full-time positions arise; a path of developing professional, courteous relationships with mentors and supervisors who may be willing to provide positive references to future employers; a path of reading and studying (both of which feed my psyche) manuals, books, and other materials that train me to perform better at what I do that pays. Perhaps someday I will purchase private insurance, because I make enough on my own - by teaching privately, officiating at weddings & other ceremonies - to afford health care not tied to an employer.

2013 is about letting go for me. This year is about stripping my life of excess and waste - and fear! It's about empowerment, and continuing on my path to learn how to be myself, as the French say, to be comfortable in my own skin. Call me superstitious, but I don't want anything wonderful or amazing to happen in 2013 - it'll always be tainted by that supposedly unlucky number - rather, I want to look back at this "unlucky" year and remember everything I said goodbye to, everything I let go, everything I burned. I plan to burn weight by becoming vegetarian and letting go of meat, and perhaps that is symbolic for everything else I hope for this year! Wish me luck.